Justin Bieber and the Hair Cut

Justin Bieber comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies - "O.K. son. But, first you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard neat and cut your hairs. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Justin says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

Jim Carey and the rooster

Jim Carey was driving down a quiet country lane. A rooster strayed out into the road. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car resulting into a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, Jim Carey pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. He, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Sure suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."

Jim Carey and School Teacher

Jim Carey was charged with traffic violation.

Judge - What is your occupation ?

Jim Carey - A school teacher. 

Judge rose from the bench with all excitement and delight -

"I have waited for this day for years and years. Finally i have a school teacher before this court", 

he continues "Now sit down and write - I will not break the signal Ten Thousand times"

Lady Gaga and the Pilot

Lady Gaga gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to economy class because she doesn't have a first class ticket. Lady Gaga replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I am rich, and I'm staying in first class until we reach JFK."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks Lady Gaga to leave. She yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I am rich and I'm staying in first class until we reach JFK." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; Lady Gaga is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to Lady Gaga and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to JFK."

Cops pulled up Lady Gaga

Cops pulled up Lady Gaga over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Lady Gaga: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian Race

Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian are skydiving.

Kim jumps out the plane and pulls the cord, nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

Lady Gaga finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

The Blonde Joke

A blind guy sitting on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6'3" tall, 250 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and a a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Chuck it, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Jim Carey out of luck

Jim Carey walked into a psychiatrist's office looking terribly depressed. "Doc, you got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What is the problem?" the Doctor inquired.

"Well, I am 40 years old and I still have no luck with the chicks. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is simple. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a charming person, and an attractive guy. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

Jim Carey seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"My advice did not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," Jim Carey replied. "My wife does."

Jim Carey and the flying pill

Jim Carey went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally Jim Carey asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. Jim offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. Jim Carey took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, 

"You sure are mean when you are drunk, Superman!"

Jim Carey and the Chewing gum

Jim Carey was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed Jim Carey rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out of my ears?"

Haircut

WOMEN'S VERSION

Kim Kardashian : Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Lady Gaga : Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Kim Kardashian : Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Lady Gaga : Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts, that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Kim Kardashian : Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Lady Gaga : Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEN'S VERSION

Justin Bieber : Haircut?

Jim Carey : Yeah!

Daddy's Call

"Hello..Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got any Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"

Brief pause.............

Uh, okay then...."This is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she is not moving at all."

"OMG! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared, jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long pause......Longer pause.........



"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731-....? "