Cowboy and the Chili Soup

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too!"

Auditors in Facebook Office

"The auditors have just left, sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

Split Personality

A man walked into a doctor's office for his monthly appointment. The doctor asked him how he was doing and the man told him that he was feeling very moody and odd at times. The doctor told the man he wanted to do a mental/psychiatric test on him. The man took the test and the doctor told the man that he had split personality. A few minutes later, the doctor told the man that he was to pay $82 for the test he was given as it was not covered by his health insurance. The man responded to the doctor handing him a check for $41 and told the doctor to ask the other guy to pay the rest.

Desire to become a Great Writer !

There was once a young man who, in his youth professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Bikers and the Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off, or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

Justin Bieber replied, "Just a few minutes ago"

The Blonde and The Porch

A blonde in hunt for some extra money decided to offer her services as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house on the street, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I really could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge me to paint the porch?" The blonde quickly responded, " Well, how about $50?" The man agreed quickly and told her that the paint and equipment she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said sarcastically to her husband, "Does that woman realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "Now, sweetheart, aren't you being a bit cynical?" The wife replied, "You're right. Sorry. I guess I was starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting in our e-mail lately." They both laughed heartily together and settled down to watch some television.

A very short time later, the blonde came to the door and knocked again. "You're finished already?" the husband asked, totally amazed. "Yes," the blonde replied," and guess what? I even had paint left over, so I gave it two more coats." Totally impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, throwing in an extra $10 for a tip.

"Oh, and by the way, Mister," the blonde added as she was walking away, "It's NOT a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Teachers and the Educators

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently facing a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Kid takes the sales

A young guy from Kentucky moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Kentucky."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65." The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the automotive department and sold him the Ford 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

Relativity and Einstein's Chauffeur

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings. So one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word to word. Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?"  Einstein agreed.

When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffers uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall. The chauffeur took his place on the podium, and effortlessly delivered the speech, and invited the audience to ask questions. He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity. The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said 

"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"

The Great Season's Sale Begins !

It was the day of the big seasons sale. Rumors and the advertisement  in the local paper were the main reason for the long queue in front of the store much before the store's opening time. 8.30 am, A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown back to the end of the crowd again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That is It. If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Jobs Cash Hope

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized  -

15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope !

Daddy, So scarred !

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Santa calls for divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." Merry Christmas !!

Justin Bieber and a Shot

Once Justin Bieber walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.

The man responded "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Old Man's Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Beer Festival

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Kingfisher sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Kingfisher?" and the Kingfisher president replies,

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Old Man and the Ghost Protocol

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to watch Mission Impossible 4 - Ghost Protocol. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment,

"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have now sound also in the movie."

Kim Kardashian pissed-off

A pissed-off Kim Kardashian was complaining about her husband Kris Humphries spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

 "What'll you have?" Kris asked.

 "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," Kim replied.

 So, Kris ordered beer and threw his down in one shot. Kim watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.

"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried Kris. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Poor Lady Gaga

Radical feminist Lady Gaga gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. "Here we go again," she thinks to herself. "Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up. This happens several times over the next few minutes.

Finally, the man pleads,

"Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!"

Choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : YES and NO