Griefing colleague

One Chinese man was in hospital in New York.

A french colleague went to meet him, Chinese said, “ching chou, mou cho” & died.

The french person realized that his colleague was trying to say something and was in great pain. 

So, he decided to go to china to know the meaning of what his friend was telling with immense pain..

It meant “You idiot move your legs from the Oxygen tube.”

Do you know who you’re talking to?

A man joined a big Multinational Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded: “You fool; you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?

“No” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.

“Thank God!”

Faithful dog

A man went to sell his dog.

A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes, I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

How big was the mouse?

Trying to explain to a five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed,
the father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, A computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, the daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

Blind man and the dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his legs.

He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so that I can kick him.”

Look it up in the dictionary

A panda bear walks into a restaurant.

He orders the special and eats it.

After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”

The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”.

It reads: “Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”

Marble Owner

Two boys were playing marble and suddenly rushed to the hospital.

Smaller boy told to the doctor, “I have swallowed a marble.”

Doctor: “I see, Is this your brother with you?” asked to the older boy.

The other boy replied “No, It was my marble.”

Love is blind

2 Lovers plan to suicide from the top of a huge building.

Boy jumped first, now girl's turn.

Girl closed her eyes & return back saying, “Love is blind”.

Boy in air opened his parachute saying, “Love never dies”.

Cheap Bar

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Woman's punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered.

"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled,

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Wanna buy some mouthwash

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -

"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -

"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?"

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

New Business

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Blonde Crooks

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

Bar Affair

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

David Jones

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.

The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.

The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?"

And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"

I just killed the pig

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money.

Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?"

The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

Touching speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Bilingual Loot

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Cannibal restaurant

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant.

The specialty of the day is brains -
fried doctor brains for twenty bucks,
sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks,
and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks.

Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly.

The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

Honeymoon Embarrassment

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Shilling to bury an attorney

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice,

"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

Curse of a pig

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

The Proposal

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

The Greatest Mourner

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,

"My wife’s first husband."

A Woman's Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

The pill actually worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Beer for Wife

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade, Dude!!"

Mama Loves Chickens

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

The Exorcist

Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking...

Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'"

With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"

She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."

Got any grapes

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day.

This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

The Lion and The Bwana

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion.
So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Bwana? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled.

"Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"

Two Things

"If you're going to work here young man," said the boss,

"the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm."

"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.

"And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

I can't do that

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Anything for 50 bucks

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear,

"I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.

He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Eileen and Ben

One guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says "Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked "Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who? you say I bend over and you kiss my butt."

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks "Eileen who?"

Fight like a man

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".