Justin Bieber and the Hair Cut

Justin Bieber comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies - "O.K. son. But, first you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard neat and cut your hairs. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Justin says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

Jim Carey and the rooster

Jim Carey was driving down a quiet country lane. A rooster strayed out into the road. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car resulting into a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, Jim Carey pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. He, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Sure suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."

Jim Carey and School Teacher

Jim Carey was charged with traffic violation.

Judge - What is your occupation ?

Jim Carey - A school teacher. 

Judge rose from the bench with all excitement and delight -

"I have waited for this day for years and years. Finally i have a school teacher before this court", 

he continues "Now sit down and write - I will not break the signal Ten Thousand times"

Lady Gaga and the Pilot

Lady Gaga gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to economy class because she doesn't have a first class ticket. Lady Gaga replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I am rich, and I'm staying in first class until we reach JFK."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks Lady Gaga to leave. She yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I am rich and I'm staying in first class until we reach JFK." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; Lady Gaga is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to Lady Gaga and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to JFK."

Cops pulled up Lady Gaga

Cops pulled up Lady Gaga over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Lady Gaga: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian Race

Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian are skydiving.

Kim jumps out the plane and pulls the cord, nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

Lady Gaga finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

The Blonde Joke

A blind guy sitting on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6'3" tall, 250 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and a a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Chuck it, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Jim Carey out of luck

Jim Carey walked into a psychiatrist's office looking terribly depressed. "Doc, you got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What is the problem?" the Doctor inquired.

"Well, I am 40 years old and I still have no luck with the chicks. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is simple. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a charming person, and an attractive guy. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

Jim Carey seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"My advice did not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," Jim Carey replied. "My wife does."

Jim Carey and the flying pill

Jim Carey went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally Jim Carey asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. Jim offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. Jim Carey took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, 

"You sure are mean when you are drunk, Superman!"

Jim Carey and the Chewing gum

Jim Carey was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed Jim Carey rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out of my ears?"

Haircut

WOMEN'S VERSION

Kim Kardashian : Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Lady Gaga : Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Kim Kardashian : Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Lady Gaga : Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts, that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Kim Kardashian : Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Lady Gaga : Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEN'S VERSION

Justin Bieber : Haircut?

Jim Carey : Yeah!

Daddy's Call

"Hello..Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got any Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"

Brief pause.............

Uh, okay then...."This is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she is not moving at all."

"OMG! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared, jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long pause......Longer pause.........



"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731-....? "

Lady Gaga and Seven-Ten Cap

Lady Gaga goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
All the guys in store look at each other, and one says, "What is a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it is right there on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" the guy asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 and 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 and 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That is it!" the lady says. "How much?"

Confused Blonde

How do you confuse a blonde?

Write on a piece of paper TURN OVER and on the other side also write TURN OVER.

Give it to a blonde and have fun !

Jim Carey on trip with Lady Gaga

Jim Carey is going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary Lady Gaga with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Carey..Mr. Carey I'm feeling chill, I think I need a blanket!"

He says, "Miss Gaga, how would you like to pretend you're Mrs. Carey for a little while?

She says, "Oh, I'd like that."

He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

The Geeks and the Doctors

Three Geeks and three Doctors are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Doctors buy their three tickets and watch as the three Geeks buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" says one Doctor. "Just watch and you'll see," answers a Geek. They all board the train and the Doctors take their seats and watch as all three Geeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the Ticket Inspector comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Ticket Inspector takes it and moves on.

The Doctors see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Doctors decide to copy the Geeks on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Geeks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" says one Doctor. "Just watch and you'll see," answers a Geek. They board the train. The three Doctors cram into a restroom compartment and the three Geeks cram into an another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Geeks leaves his restroom, walks over to the Doctors stall, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

Lady Gaga gets an A

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how Lady Gaga could have gotten an A when she had barely written anything at all. Her answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Elephant Dung on Rye

Once Jim Carey walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When the waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, - "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Lady Gaga and the Breaking News

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. - Lady Gaga

Born Suspect

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. - Jim Carey

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Jim Carey and his wife Jenny went to the state fair every year, and every year Jim would say, 'Jenny,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Jenny always replied, 'I know dear, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' One year Jenny and Jim Carey went to the fair, and Jim Carey said, 'Jenny, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Jenny replied, 'Jim that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Jim and Jenny agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Jim and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Jim Carey replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Jenny fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Jim Carey's Girlfriend

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father." 

                                                                                                                                     - Jim Carey

Stop or Slow Down !

A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"

COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."

GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"

The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.

COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"

Jim Carey comes across Gorilla

Jim Carey: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?

Ben Stiller: No, what happened? 

Jim Carey: Well, I stood there, without a gun. The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer.

Ben Stiller: What did you do?

Jim Carey: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

Lady Gaga's Report Card

Eight year old Lady Gaga brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Gaga is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
 

Lady Gaga's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Gaga because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Justin Bieber back in School

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Justin was left. "Justin, do you have a story to share?" 

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"