Lady Gaga and Seven-Ten Cap

Lady Gaga goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
All the guys in store look at each other, and one says, "What is a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it is right there on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" the guy asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay Lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 and 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 and 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That is it!" the lady says. "How much?"

Confused Blonde

How do you confuse a blonde?

Write on a piece of paper TURN OVER and on the other side also write TURN OVER.

Give it to a blonde and have fun !

Jim Carey on trip with Lady Gaga

Jim Carey is going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary Lady Gaga with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Carey..Mr. Carey I'm feeling chill, I think I need a blanket!"

He says, "Miss Gaga, how would you like to pretend you're Mrs. Carey for a little while?

She says, "Oh, I'd like that."

He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

The Geeks and the Doctors

Three Geeks and three Doctors are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Doctors buy their three tickets and watch as the three Geeks buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" says one Doctor. "Just watch and you'll see," answers a Geek. They all board the train and the Doctors take their seats and watch as all three Geeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the Ticket Inspector comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Ticket Inspector takes it and moves on.

The Doctors see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Doctors decide to copy the Geeks on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Geeks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" says one Doctor. "Just watch and you'll see," answers a Geek. They board the train. The three Doctors cram into a restroom compartment and the three Geeks cram into an another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Geeks leaves his restroom, walks over to the Doctors stall, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

Lady Gaga gets an A

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how Lady Gaga could have gotten an A when she had barely written anything at all. Her answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Elephant Dung on Rye

Once Jim Carey walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When the waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, - "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Lady Gaga and the Breaking News

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. - Lady Gaga

Born Suspect

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. - Jim Carey

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Jim Carey and his wife Jenny went to the state fair every year, and every year Jim would say, 'Jenny,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Jenny always replied, 'I know dear, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' One year Jenny and Jim Carey went to the fair, and Jim Carey said, 'Jenny, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Jenny replied, 'Jim that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Jim and Jenny agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Jim and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Jim Carey replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Jenny fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Jim Carey's Girlfriend

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father." 

                                                                                                                                     - Jim Carey

Stop or Slow Down !

A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"

COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."

GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"

The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.

COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"

Jim Carey comes across Gorilla

Jim Carey: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?

Ben Stiller: No, what happened? 

Jim Carey: Well, I stood there, without a gun. The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer.

Ben Stiller: What did you do?

Jim Carey: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

Lady Gaga's Report Card

Eight year old Lady Gaga brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Gaga is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
 

Lady Gaga's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Gaga because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Justin Bieber back in School

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Justin was left. "Justin, do you have a story to share?" 

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"