Cowboy and the Chili Soup

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too!"

Auditors in Facebook Office

"The auditors have just left, sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

Split Personality

A man walked into a doctor's office for his monthly appointment. The doctor asked him how he was doing and the man told him that he was feeling very moody and odd at times. The doctor told the man he wanted to do a mental/psychiatric test on him. The man took the test and the doctor told the man that he had split personality. A few minutes later, the doctor told the man that he was to pay $82 for the test he was given as it was not covered by his health insurance. The man responded to the doctor handing him a check for $41 and told the doctor to ask the other guy to pay the rest.

Desire to become a Great Writer !

There was once a young man who, in his youth professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Bikers and the Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off, or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

Justin Bieber replied, "Just a few minutes ago"

The Blonde and The Porch

A blonde in hunt for some extra money decided to offer her services as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house on the street, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I really could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge me to paint the porch?" The blonde quickly responded, " Well, how about $50?" The man agreed quickly and told her that the paint and equipment she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said sarcastically to her husband, "Does that woman realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "Now, sweetheart, aren't you being a bit cynical?" The wife replied, "You're right. Sorry. I guess I was starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting in our e-mail lately." They both laughed heartily together and settled down to watch some television.

A very short time later, the blonde came to the door and knocked again. "You're finished already?" the husband asked, totally amazed. "Yes," the blonde replied," and guess what? I even had paint left over, so I gave it two more coats." Totally impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, throwing in an extra $10 for a tip.

"Oh, and by the way, Mister," the blonde added as she was walking away, "It's NOT a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Teachers and the Educators

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently facing a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Kid takes the sales

A young guy from Kentucky moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Kentucky."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65." The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the automotive department and sold him the Ford 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

Relativity and Einstein's Chauffeur

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings. So one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word to word. Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?"  Einstein agreed.

When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffers uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall. The chauffeur took his place on the podium, and effortlessly delivered the speech, and invited the audience to ask questions. He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity. The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said 

"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"

The Great Season's Sale Begins !

It was the day of the big seasons sale. Rumors and the advertisement  in the local paper were the main reason for the long queue in front of the store much before the store's opening time. 8.30 am, A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown back to the end of the crowd again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That is It. If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Jobs Cash Hope

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized  -

15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope !

Daddy, So scarred !

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Santa calls for divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." Merry Christmas !!

Justin Bieber and a Shot

Once Justin Bieber walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.

The man responded "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Old Man's Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Beer Festival

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Kingfisher sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Kingfisher?" and the Kingfisher president replies,

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Old Man and the Ghost Protocol

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to watch Mission Impossible 4 - Ghost Protocol. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment,

"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have now sound also in the movie."

Kim Kardashian pissed-off

A pissed-off Kim Kardashian was complaining about her husband Kris Humphries spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

 "What'll you have?" Kris asked.

 "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," Kim replied.

 So, Kris ordered beer and threw his down in one shot. Kim watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.

"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried Kris. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Poor Lady Gaga

Radical feminist Lady Gaga gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. "Here we go again," she thinks to herself. "Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up. This happens several times over the next few minutes.

Finally, the man pleads,

"Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!"

Choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : YES and NO

Griefing colleague

One Chinese man was in hospital in New York.

A french colleague went to meet him, Chinese said, “ching chou, mou cho” & died.

The french person realized that his colleague was trying to say something and was in great pain. 

So, he decided to go to china to know the meaning of what his friend was telling with immense pain..

It meant “You idiot move your legs from the Oxygen tube.”

Do you know who you’re talking to?

A man joined a big Multinational Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded: “You fool; you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?

“No” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.

“Thank God!”

Faithful dog

A man went to sell his dog.

A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes, I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

How big was the mouse?

Trying to explain to a five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed,
the father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, A computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, the daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

Blind man and the dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his legs.

He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so that I can kick him.”

Look it up in the dictionary

A panda bear walks into a restaurant.

He orders the special and eats it.

After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”

The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”.

It reads: “Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”

Marble Owner

Two boys were playing marble and suddenly rushed to the hospital.

Smaller boy told to the doctor, “I have swallowed a marble.”

Doctor: “I see, Is this your brother with you?” asked to the older boy.

The other boy replied “No, It was my marble.”

Love is blind

2 Lovers plan to suicide from the top of a huge building.

Boy jumped first, now girl's turn.

Girl closed her eyes & return back saying, “Love is blind”.

Boy in air opened his parachute saying, “Love never dies”.

Cheap Bar

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Woman's punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered.

"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled,

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Wanna buy some mouthwash

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -

"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -

"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?"

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

New Business

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Blonde Crooks

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

Bar Affair

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

David Jones

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.

The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.

The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?"

And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"

I just killed the pig

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money.

Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?"

The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

Touching speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Bilingual Loot

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Cannibal restaurant

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant.

The specialty of the day is brains -
fried doctor brains for twenty bucks,
sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks,
and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks.

Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly.

The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

Honeymoon Embarrassment

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Shilling to bury an attorney

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice,

"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

Curse of a pig

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

The Proposal

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

The Greatest Mourner

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,

"My wife’s first husband."

A Woman's Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

The pill actually worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Beer for Wife

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade, Dude!!"

Mama Loves Chickens

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

The Exorcist

Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking...

Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'"

With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"

She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."

Got any grapes

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day.

This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

The Lion and The Bwana

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion.
So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Bwana? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled.

"Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"

Two Things

"If you're going to work here young man," said the boss,

"the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm."

"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.

"And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

I can't do that

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Anything for 50 bucks

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear,

"I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.

He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Eileen and Ben

One guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says "Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked "Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who? you say I bend over and you kiss my butt."

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks "Eileen who?"

Fight like a man

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

POTATOES

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops. They turn into a dark alley and find three potato sacks, so they hide in them. The cop kicks the bag with the brunette in it, and the brunette says WOOF WOOF. The cop kicks the one with the redhead in it and she says MEOW MEOW. The cop kicks the bag with the blonde in it, and she says POTATOES!!!

Denise & Denephew

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

I Am A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

The Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says to Mike behind him,
"my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs repair.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Deaf or Blind

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ''Aleeee ooop!!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Provided you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Go Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in California and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies."Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,

"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied,

"You are the sixth today!! ;)"

Crazy Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from schoolthe bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith"

Restaurant order

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

That's not it

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.


The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

UN Survey

The UN conducted a simple survey worldwide containing just a single question:

"Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:
- In Latin America, people didn't know what please meant
- In China, people didn't know what opinion meant
- In the Middle East, people didn't know what solution meant
- In Europe, people didn't know what shortage meant
- In Africa, people didn't know what food meant
- In the United States, people didn't know what the rest of the world meant

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

“Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Advices

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,

"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Feels great

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Lady in the Bar

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Blondie Loves Sheeps

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of. She colored her hairs so that she would look like a brunette. Once she went on long drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!".

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said..

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Music of Fart !!

I was in the restaurant yesterday, when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to reduce some pressure. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod.

President's Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Me Too

In a restaurant a man ordered soup.

But, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the restroom.

To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin:

"I SPIT IN THE SOUP".

When he returned, he found another message on napkin:

"ME, TOO".

Oh Granny !!

The little boy greeted his granny with a hug and said,

"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied,

"I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

I Heard The Nurse Say

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor. "

What Happened in Texas

A cowboy rode into the town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking up on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse???" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, "I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!" And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"I had to walk home."

Figure This Out

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP.

The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?"

The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"

Donkey In The Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Ehhh..Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.